On ‘The Hills,’ Brody’s Playmate Girlfriend Comes After Audrina

Plus: Heidi confronts Stacie the bartender.
By Jim Cantiello

Audrina Patridge and Brody Jenner

Photo: Kevin Parry/ Getty Images

What happens in Hawaii doesn’t stay in Hawaii. Or, as Lauren Conrad put it in the opening moments of “The Hills” on Monday night (May 4), “It’s not fun when vacation baggage follows you home.” Oh, LC. Reality-show superstar. Fashion designer. Wordplay enthusiast. Is there anything you can’t do?

LC was referring to the Audrina-vs.-Jayde showdown that was brewing over Brody Jenner. Apparently, ever since returning from Hawaii, Jayde’s been giving Brody a hard time for “sleeping in the same room” as Audrina. Can you blame her? Actually, Audrina does blame her and tells Lauren that Brody gave her the old “Jayde and I are off and on a lot” speech before hooking up with her in paradise. Classic move, Brody. I bet you also pulled the “Let’s listen to some John Mayer” and “Jayde just doesn’t understand me the way you do” maneuvers too.

We get to see Jayde’s jealousy in the flesh later, when Audrina had the nerve to show up to Frankie’s barbecue. Thanks to some fancy editing, it looked as though Audrina blew a kiss at Brody, but for all we know, she could have been flirting with a caterer or a sound guy or a Billy Bass wall ornament. In any case, Brody’s divided attention was too much for Jayde’s friend Jo, who got all up in Audrina’s face. (I’m impressed that Jo could tell Audrina and Jayde apart. To me, all girls with brown hair, white teeth and blank stares look alike.) Brody stepped in and reminded the girls that the conversation should only be between Audrina and Jayde — and the cameras.

In a nutshell, the confrontation went like this.

Jayde: “Why did you put the moves on my man?”
Audrina: “Your man put the moves on me.”
Jayde: “Bullspit!”
Lauren Conrad: [reaction shot]
Jayde: “I’m gonna go get drunk.”

The drunken Playboy Playmate was too much for Audrina to handle, so she clocked out the first chance she got. That’s when Brody — gasp! — hugged her goodbye. Jayde reacted by shouting and then drowning her insecurities in alcohol, to which Brody snapped, “Keep swiggin’ that Jäger.” Nothing says true love like wishing alcohol poisoning upon your mate.

But no Playmate with a penchant for binge drinking is going to keep Audrina away from her Brody. Dismissing Jayde’s BBQ throwdown to a silly bout of heavy drinking, Audrina decides to catch up with the Brody posse at My House, another L.A. drinkery. If Jayde were sloppy drunk at a house party, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be just as aggressively wasted in a bar, right? (Slaps forehead.)

Jayde was even more belligerent this time. “What the hell is Audrina doing here?” Um, Jayde? This ain’t Playboy. Audrina’s more of a marquee name than you in “Hills” territory. If anything, she should be asking you what you’re doing on her show! But I digress …

Jayde and her even-angrier friend Jo get back in Audrina’s face. Audrina holds her own and calls Jayde “insecure,” but thanks to the blaring music and the subtitles, all I took in from the fight was “blah blah blah Jäger!” Meanwhile, Brody does what any man would do: He sits with his head in his hands and pretends that he’s not loving every second of a bunch of hot chicks fighting over him.

Eventually, Audrina takes the hint and hightails it. That doesn’t stop Jayde from slurring physical threats and acting like an out-of-control teen on the “Sally Jessy Raphael Show.” (Where’s that boot-camp dude when you need him?) For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Brody’s girlfriend: 1; Brody’s girl friend (with benefits): 0.

In the obligatory post-crazy-night brunch scene, Audrina (dressed like Duckie from “Pretty in Pink”) recounts the insanity. Lauren continues her sound-bite streak with this nugget: “Playmates bring the drama! What is it with the Playmates?” LC tells Audrina that she needs to back down because Brody has talked about Jayde being “THE ONE,” but Audrina stays in Duckie mode. “I think it’s the wrong girl. That girl is crazy.” She is crazy, Audrina — crazy with jealousy.

Jayde wasn’t the only suspicious mind in Hollywood. Heidi intercepted a text from Stacie the Bartender asking Spencer if he were going to H.Wood that night. A less crazy person would just approach their partner and go, “Hey, WTF is this about?!” But Heidi knows how to make good television, so she decided to delete the text, hire her hair and makeup team to gussy her up and then have a girl’s night out at H.Wood to see if Spencer and Stacie were having a secret Patrón-soaked rendezvous.

You know where this is going …

Heidi and the Blondes arrive, and three seconds later, Stacie and the Brunettes enter. Stephanie Pratt is especially riled up, using the words “malicious,” “deliberate” and “skankily” to describe Stacie’s text intentions. And before long, the hair extensions were dripping with passive-aggressive sarcasm.

Heidi: “Where’s Spencer?”
Stacie: “He’s your boyfriend. I don’t know!”

Ultimately, Stacie left Heidi with some words of wisdom. “There’s always going to be another Stacie,” meaning “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I guess she could also mean, “There’s always going to be a sleazy bartender who turns to goo every time Def Leppard plays on the sound system.” But I’m 99 percent sure she was talking about Spencer being a cheater.

The Stacie/Spencer drama was perfect fodder for therapy. Yep, despite the fact that we all know Heidi and Spencer got married and just got back from honeymooning/ avoiding the swine flu in Mexico, “Hills” producers are stuck with a dull “will they survive therapy?!” subplot. The only thing interesting is Dr. Jordana Mansbacher’s always-changing hair. In the first scene, she’s a fiery redhead with pale makeup straight out of “Twilight.” Later, she’s back to her original blond. An innocent question: Would you trust a therapist who changes their look more than 50 Cent changes album-release dates?

Finally, Spencer — in a solo therapy session — agrees that he needs to “lay low” and stay out of the bar scene in order to build up Heidi’s trust before he decides to flirt and/or possibly hook up with an easy target again.

But what will Brody do? Lauren Conrad took him out to lunch to smack some sense into him. When he blames Audrina for their Hawaiian escapade, Lauren quickly squashes the accusation. “Did Audrina tell you that night that she had a crush on you?” Snap. When he says he’s not apologizing to Audrina, Lauren goes for the jugular. “Sometimes we sacrifice friendships for the ones we love. Wouldn’t be the first time.” SNAP!

Yep, Lauren Conrad compared Brody Jenner to Heidi Montag. Here’s hoping Brody doesn’t decide to start a music career.

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